Chimps Are Sheep

Copycat chimps are cultural conformists

The team taught two female chimps how to get food out of a complicated apparatus using a stick. One learned to poke a barrier with the stick, and the other to lift the barrier with the stick. Then the chimps’ groups got to watch the new experts use their skills. When the rest of the groups were allowed to try their own hand at freeing the food, they followed the lead of their own expert chimp – the poker’s group preferred to poke and the lifter’s group tended to lift.

And then they called each other Comrade.

Really, I'm just posting this for the following paragraph:

Although the poke method was more effective – as shown by the fact that some lifters independently learned to poke – the majority of lifters-turned-pokers nevertheless reverted to their group’s original lifting strategy, conforming socially.

Hehe... Poke...

Bad Boo Boo!

Boo Boo's Munchies No-No (Don't miss the pics!)

The monkey leapt out the driver's window as its owner picked up an order at the drive through window. Boo Boo hung on to the clerk's hand for a few extra moments and apparently bit and injured the restaurant worker.

These kinds of commando (dare I say - ahem - guerrilla?) sneak attack tactics must not be tolerated!

Take the power back (or not)

A tale of contrasts: The Simianistas in India raise a serious ruckus: Monkey bites cop

Three monkeys have wreaked havoc at Purbasthali here, biting and clawing almost 60 people in 10 days.

Among the victims were a dozen policemen.

But at least one monkey at the San Diego zoo know a good thing when it has one: Monkey escapes exhibit, then couldn't wait to get back in

Zookeepers say the were searching for Takala, when they opened an outside door to the monkey exhibit and he walked right in. Officials say Takala escaped through a hole in the netting around the enclosure.

You know what Kris Kristofferson (or Janis Joplin, if you prefer) said about freedom...

Another one?!

New Monkey Species With Goose-Like Call Discovered

The 3-foot-long tree-living animal with brown fur, a white belly and a punk-like crest of hair on its head has been called "kipunji" locally, and now has a scientific name: Lophocebus kupunji, or the highland mangabey. The animal may have eluded researchers for so long because it lives in high altitudes in the treetops and is generally a very quiet monkey.

When it does make a sound, however, it's a strange one. Davenport dubbed the male highland monkey's territorial call the "honk-bark."

"The honk part of the call sounds like a goose," Davenport explained, "and the bark part sounds like a dog. It's very unique for a monkey."

This is the latest in what seems like a rash of newly discovered monkey species over the past few years.

If you'll recall, the naming rights for one were auctioned off with the Golden Palace Casino winning with a bid of $650,000.

Jail Break!

Double your pleasure, double your fun: Monkey escapes from S.C. island laboratory

An escapee from Morgan Island has been captured in a tree in the backyard of a home on Lady's Island - about 7 miles away from where he was supposed to be.

...

"I have been here eight years and this is the first (escape) I can remember in the area," said Greg Westergaard, president and chief executive officer of Alpha Genesis. "I'm at a loss at how it got over there. They probably can swim a little bit, but it really is a long way over there."

A simian SEAL? Very, very bad news!

...

Monkeys escape from La. primate center

Officials captured 47 monkeys that had escaped from the Tulane Primate Center, but six remained on the loose Tuesday and seemed to be hiding out in a heavily wooded area near the site.

They claim none of these escapees are mutant super monkeys, but who's going to believe some talking head administrator of some mysterious primate center, eh? I mean, they learned how to open their own cages, right?

Monkey Maneuvers

A troop of Langur special forces are laying siege to an Indian military academy:

The simians have been making life difficult for the gentlemen cadets training at the academy. They have disrupted training exercises, broken window panes and pulled out plants in the academy’s manicured lawns. ‘‘They descend in groups and make a mess of everything,’’ say officials.

This sort of offensive against military forces can only be viewed as an escalation of hostilities.

...

Meanwhile in Huntington, WV, a "pet" monkey took a bite out of a 13-year-old girl:

The man said the monkey climbed upon his arm and shoulder and ran toward his daughter, jumping on her left leg. He said it bit her left kneecap, causing about a 1/2-inch cut. The monkey also reportedly bit the girl on her right hand ring finger.

Troubling times these be...

Hey! You got your human in my chimp!

Careful How You Monkey With DNA

Embryonic stem cells have the ability to differentiate into any type of cell in the human body. Incorporating these highly morphological cells into an animal embryo or brain opens up amazing scientific possibilities and unthinkable ethical quandaries, such as a human brain trapped in a mouse's body, or a human baby with mice for parents.

No scientist working with chimeras apparently wishes to create such nightmarish animals. But just to be on the safe side, the National Academies made chimeras a prominent part of a larger report outlining guidelines for embryonic stem-cell research.

The guidelines, which are voluntary, say scientists should never implant human embryonic stem cells into non-human primates, such as chimpanzees.

And while we're getting all Island of Doctor Moreau up in here, there's this, too: 'Merman' spotted in Caspian

Ohmigosh! (Times Two!)

Victory Day Show at Russian Circus to Feature Nazi Monkeys (Bad photoshop ahoy!)

To celebrate the 60th anniversary of Soviet victory in World War II a circus show will dress monkeys as Nazis and have them act in wartime stories, NewsRu reports.

Why monkeys? Well, as the circus director says: “You can not dress a horse like a Nazi.�

Then there's the idea of a SWAT monkey. Not for fun, folks — this is for teh reals.

The Mesa Police Department is looking to add some primal instinct to its SWAT team. And to do that, it's looking to a monkey.

"Everybody laughs about it until they really start thinking about it," said Mesa Officer Sean Truelove, who builds and operates tactical robots for the suburban Phoenix SWAT team. "It would change the way we do business."

Oh, I've thought about it, alright. In fact I've been sitting on this story for over a week because I was so dumbfounded at first. No, Sean, after much too much consideration, SWAT monkeys are still way freakin' funny.

Can't say I blame him

Monkey makes escape and hates dental care

Raised at the Chengdu Zoo, the monkey was recently moved to a medical school for lab experiments on oral cavities.

Dissatisfied with the dental work and known for his hot temper, the monkey escaped from the lab around 1 pm on Saturday. After arriving at a nearby community, he bit an old woman in an attempt to take away some biscuits. He also stopped for some tea.

OK. Jesus.

All my monkey paranoia aside, I'm on this little trooper's side. Nobody wants to be the guinea pig for new dental procedures.

Banderlog Deportation

End of the road for marauding Simla monkeys

Once they provided idle amusement to the officers of the British Raj, but today the monkeys of Simla have officially been classed as an urban menace.

After a spate of thefts and biting incidents in the former summer capital of British India, India's supreme court has ordered the offending animals to be rounded up and sent back to the forest.

It's about time the Indians enforced a little discipline. Everyone knows that if you give the simians an inch, they take a mile.

Uri Gorilla?

Study: Monkeys Do Read Minds

The study is the first to show that monkeys, like humans, not only react to visual information, but also that they can use it to reason about the behavior of others.

The findings suggest that certain human cognition skills are not as rare as once thought. They also indicate that the ability to reason did not evolve in humans. Instead, the brainy trait probably passed down to us from our ape ancestors.

Cheeky semi-psychic bastards!

Actually, this doesn't stike me as all that earth-shattering. I mean, dogs and horses (aka: "Big dogs") can interpret very subtle visual cues, too.

[FYI: Title ref]

Joel Stein is a funny guy

Someone Has To Miss Hockey

Being a hockey fan was my way of seeming special. So I hope when the NHL comes back, probably not until 2007, it doesn’t try to revamp itself for the masses. There are lots of suggestions: making the goals bigger or the goalie pads smaller; getting rid of the red line; eliminating fighting; having monkeys drive Zambonis; putting strippers in the penalty box. Some of those ideas might be mine.

Oh, no... Keep the Simianistas away from our Zamboni technology, son.

Cyborg Monkeys Are Here!

Brain controls robot arm in monkey, University of Pittsburgh researcher reports at AAAS

The concept is that, through thought alone, a person could direct a robotic arm – a neural prosthesis – to reach and manipulate a desired object.

As a step toward that goal, University of Pittsburgh researchers report that a monkey outfitted with a child-sized robotic arm controlled directly by its own brain signals is able to feed itself chunks of fruits and vegetables. The researchers trained the monkey to feed itself by using signals from its brain that are passed through tiny electrodes, thinner than a human hair, and fed into a specially designed algorithm that tells the arm how to move.

Um... Holy crap!

Next thing you know, they'll have frickin' LASER beams mounted to their skulls!

Attica! (Ook-ook!) Attica!

Row over Delhi's errant monkeys

The authorities in the central Indian state of Madhya Pradesh have refused to accept the animals, saying it would create problems for them.

"We received the last batch in June last year. We got a lot of criticism for this in the state at that time too," the state's chief forest conservator, PC Shukla, told the BBC.

"Now, Delhi wants to send another lot but we are not interested. This is their problem they should be able to tackle it."

The simian prisoners are currently being held in a makeshift monkey jail outside of Delhi, but those conditions will not last. It's the same age-old crime and punishment dilemma.