Oh, snap!

An open letter to Larry The Cable Guy In which David Cross tears Larry the Cable Guy apart to humorous effect:

About being Anti-Gay. I honestly take that back. I do not think that you are anti-gay, I didn't choose those words wisely. Your stuff isn't necessarily anti-gay but rather stupid and easy. "Madder than a queer with lock jaw on Valentines Day." That's not that funny, I don't care who you are. It's just sooo easy. I mean, over half the planet sucks dick so why gays? Why not truck stop whores, or Hollywood Starlets or housewives? Because when you say "queer" you get an easy laugh. End of story.


The reason you feel the need to "Larry" something up? Because you are not that dumb. I mean you, Dan Whitney, the guy who's name the bank account is under. You were born and raised in Nebraska (hardly The South), went to private school and moved to Florida when you were 16. This is when you developed your accent?! Not exactly the developmental years are they? At age 16 that's the kind of thing you have to make a concerted effort to adopt. Did you hire a voice coach? Or were you like one of those people who go to England for a week and come back sounding like an extra from "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels"?

Oh, my stars, that's good.

(Props to Rod for this.)

Lucky Thirteen?

All Aboard (Mostly) for "Ocean's Thirteen"

Warner Bros. announced Monday that Clooney, Pitt, Damon and most of the usual suspects from the first two Ocean pics will return for next year's threequel, Ocean's Thirteen. Steven Soderbergh will be on hand to direct for the third time.


"The odds were long on this happening, and it would not have been possible were it not for those actors and director moving other projects out of the way," Weintraub told Variety. "The five of us [Weintraub, Clooney, Pitt, Damon and Soderbergh] are all great friends, and we decided we were going to kill ourselves to get this done."

Funny. Not a week ago I heard from my Hollywood sources that they were having a hell of a time getting Pitt to sign on. It seemed like he might have to beg off due to his baby-having with Miss Angelina. I'm man enough admit I was more than a little bothered by the news -- my feeling being that the Clooney-Pitt chemistry is the main reason to watch these things, though I do wish Damon's "Linus" would get more play.

But yeah, the vibe for this instalment of Ocean's 11+n is supposed to be as "back to basics" as this kind of thing can be (at least partly, that translates to "No Girls!", I guess). Now let's see if they can actually manage to get the film in the can without a three ring circus. Odds are actually better than they had been previously, since they seem to be eliminating most of the jet-setting tomfoolery by shooting in the LA area.

While I will certainly watch it (and most likely enjoy it), I hope it turns out better than Twelve.

Take a bite out of Scientology

Matt Stone and Trey Parker rule my world. Even though Isaac Hayes quit the show due to the whole making-fun-of-Scientology thing, they aren't letting that spell and end to his Chef character: 'South Park' Cooks Up Plan For Chef In Season Premiere

Details on the episode were scarce as of press time — Chef returns to town, but his erratic behavior worries Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny — though Comedy Central did confirm that contrary to previous reports, Hayes will provide the voice for Chef, however all his lines will be taken from previously recorded material.

I love it! You just know the "erratic behavior" will consist of every phrase sounding like it comes from a completely different context, making the cut-and-paste job completely obvious.

The very best part, though is the press release from Stone & Parker:

Stone and Parker are refusing to let the whole thing go, issuing a statement to Daily Variety that pokes fun not only at Hayes and Cruise, but Scientology as a whole.

"So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun!" the statement read. "Temporarily anozinizing our episode will not stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

Absolutely heroic! Personally, I feel a need for the boys to do an Orgazmo-style movie based on all the info at Operation Clambake.

Update: Isaac Hayes may not be the bad guy here.

The Devil's in the Details

Fears for 'dazed' George That's erstwhile pop star George Michael (aka Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou), who was found in an interesting state:

The 42-year-old singer was arrested after police allegedly found cannabis and GHB - a Class C drug known as liquid ecstasy - in the vehicle.

Sex toys and masks were also found in the boot, according to reports in The Sun.

The paper quoted a witness as saying: "George was completely out of it - he was all over the place. He was found with his head slumped against the wheel. No one could rouse him. He was virtually unconscious. When the police came he could hardly speak."

The former Wham! star was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive, but after being taken to a police station and examined by a doctor he was "de-arrested".

So... um... in spite of finding an assortment of drugs in the car with him, he was only arrested for maybe being unfit to drive an auto? Really? And then a doctor's examination reversed that arrest? Really?

Huh. (And yeah, nevermind that junk in the trunk, yo.)

The Resurgence of Chuck

Chuck Norris. I'm sure many of you figured he had faded into a halcyon semi-retirement of Total Gym hucksterism, anti-drug campaigning, and... um... praying after the demise of his Walker, Texas Ranger series. I'm doubly sure you all had figured Chuck had strayed far, far away from his Lone Wolf McQuade martial arts badassedness of yore.

Well, I'm here to set you straight, boys and girls.

Chuck Norris' return to glory was first hinted at when he became the subject of one of the most entertaining internet memes of the past ten minutes:

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

That was just the beginning, though. Now it has come to light that Chuck Norris is the driving force behind an all new form of ass kicking for entertainment known as the World Combat League:

There is currently no full-contact martial arts team sport in the United States. The WCL will be the only venue to offer the public full-contact martial arts fighting. There is literally no competition for the services and products the WCL will offer to the public. There is a huge demand for martial arts in the United states and the WCL will be the first sports league to offer the excitement and unpredictability of full-contact martial arts fighting.

Sure, Chuck is only a "suit" at the top of the WCL ladder. And yeah, it looks like the fighting is just glorified kick boxing -- hands and feet only (stick to the UFC if you enjoy elbows, Muy Thai knees, and grappling). But they have women on the teams (WCL is a "team sport"... kind of like Davis Cup tennis...?), and the whole contest is supposedly set up to encourage action. In fact, there are penalties for being too passive or stalling.

Might be worth checking out.

One is only left to wonder if all of this is happening because of the fact that Chuck Norris is Dubya's favoritest actor in, like, ever!

Freak of the Week: Vincent Gallo

I've always thought Vinnie Gallo was an odd duck. Consider this bit of drama surrounding his film The Brown Bunny:

Roger Ebert called the film "the worst in the history of Cannes" to which Vincent Gallo responded that Ebert was a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader". Ebert paraphrased a remark of Winston Churchill and responded that "although I am fat, one day I will be thin, but Mr. Gallo will still have been the director of 'Brown Bunny'". Gallo then put a "hex" on Ebert's colon, to which Ebert responded that "even my colonoscopy was more entertaining than his film".

That's kooky.

Then I saw this: Vincent Gallo's Sperm $1 Million

If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.

Good to know Vincent has "no cripples" in his family history.

Come on In

Bluesman R.L. Burnside dies at 78

R.L. Burnside, one of the last, great Mississippi bluesmen, whose raw, country blues was discovered late in his life, has died. He was 78.

Burnside died Thursday morning at the St. Francis Hospital in Memphis His health had been declining for some time, said Matthew Johnson, owner of Burnside's record label, Fat Possum.

I found R.L. by way of the Jon Spenser Blues Explosion. I now have three Burnside discs (A Ass Pocket of Whiskey, Mr. Wizard, and Come on In) -- all of which I enjoy, though I can imagine they would be for everyone. Of the three, Mr. Wizard would probably be my pick.

I Love Lauren Bacall

Bacall: Cruise is sick [How very tabloid.]

'It's inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially. I think it's kind of a sickness.'

Miss Bacall, who was married to Humphrey Bogart and appeared with him in several films, added insult to injury by saying 42-year-old Cruise was not much of an actor.

God, that's good. Lauren Bacall is one tough lady, and she has never pulled her punches. Gotta love it.

Ew! You've got thetans on you!

Salon is doing a "four-part series chronicling the suddenly higher profile of the Church of Scientology", and of course the first installment highlights none other than Mr. Crazy Cruise: Missionary man (Get a day pass, it's worth it.)

Regarding the romance -- who can explain love? It's a mystery, particularly in Hollywood, and we're unlikely to ever get the particulars about Cruise and Holmes. But the buzz in some Scientology circles is that Cruise may have reached one of the highest echelons of the Church of Scientology. While not a lot is known about this level, known cryptically as OT-VII, Scientology observers say that attaining it could explain Cruise's behavior in recent months.

I'm still boggled by the fact that Scientology is actually considered a genuine "religion". I mean, read this and tell me if that's the sort of thing sane people base their lives on:

According to experts and the church's own literature, OT-VII ("OT" stands for Operating Thetan, "thetan" being the Scientology term for soul) is the penultimate tier in the church's spiritual hierarchy -- the exact details of which are fiercely guarded and forbidden to be discussed even among top members. It is where a Scientologist learns how to become free of the mortal confines of the body and is let into the last of the mysteries of the cosmology developed by the church's longtime leader, science fiction novelist and "Dianetics" author L. Ron Hubbard. This cosmology also famously holds that humans bear the noxious traces of an annihilated alien civilization that was brought to Earth by an intergalactic warlord millions of years ago.

That's Heaven's Gate material, if you ask me. Not the foundation of a culturally powerful religion. At least Germany still agrees:

Germany refuses to recognise Scientology as a legitimate church, claiming it is a fake religion based on making money from its followers.

While you're in the mood, check out CultNews.com for more (from an obviously biased source). If you really want to dig into Scientology, be sure not to miss Operation Clambake. Wow.

Cruise Control (or lack thereof)

Because The Wife is (justifiably, since she works in the psychiatric field) obsessed with the rapidly-approaching-Howard-Hughes-type-crazy Tom Cruise:Cruise is waving off critics

Jumping on Oprah's couch? Sure it was unorthodox behavior for a celebrity, but he laughs at it, too. "I will forever with this woman be jumping on couches, dancing on tables and hanging from chandeliers."

Criticizing doctors for prescribing drugs to depressed patients? That's much more controversial than footprints on the furniture, but Cruise professes disdain for psychiatric drugs. "All I can do is say, 'Look. Don't listen, look.' " He encourages people to research the drugs.

Ah... I experience such wonderful schadenfreude at watching a Scientology Grand Dragon implode... The man is obviously in need of a little "Nazi science" himself.