Stalin: "Give me Simianistas!"

Somehow, this is in the Scotsman rather than the Onion... Stalin's half-man, half-ape super-warriors

The Soviet dictator Josef Stalin ordered the creation of Planet of the Apes-style warriors by crossing humans with apes, according to recently uncovered secret documents.

Moscow archives show that in the mid-1920s Russia's top animal breeding scientist, Ilya Ivanov, was ordered to turn his skills from horse and animal work to the quest for a super-warrior.

This sounds like an issue of Hellboy or something... Jesus!

Obviously, Stalin was a stone-cold nutter. I can't believe Lenin was the only one with syphilis rumors surrounding him... (Ah, there are Stalin-Pox ideas after the fact, it seems.)

I wonder if he also had a separate Sleestak breeding program.