Wanna come over and watch Animal Planet?

Seed: Girls Gone Wild ... for Monkeys

The researchers found that while straight men are only aroused by females of the human variety, straight women are equally aroused by all human sexual activity, including lesbian, heterosexual and homosexual male sex, and at least somewhat aroused by nonhuman sex. ... "There's the possibility that genital response for women is not necessarily imbued with meaning about her sexual interests," says Chivers. She also emphasized that her findings do not imply women harbor a latent desire for lesbian sex or bestiality.

What's actually surprising is that the guys had such a selective response. You'd think just the idea of sex would be enough to get some response from most fellows.

Ricky Gervais Fanmail

Today I emailed Ricky Gervais for three reason:

1. His podcasts are so funny, you'll hurt yourself. (Mad props for the recommendation, Da Kine.)
2. I was a bit worried he and his cohorts were taking the Cambodian midget/lion hoax a bit too seriously. I'm sure they were going for comedic effect, but I sent them the Snopes link anyway.
3. They do Monkey News! I do monkey news, too!!

Boombox iPod, you say?

Apple to tackle consumer electronics; iPod "boombox" planned

One such product described to AppleInsider is an iPod boombox "unlike anything seen in boombox world" and strikingly different from "anything Apple has released in the past."

Huh. Good idea!

(Full disclosure: When first published, my post called it the "iBeatBox", but that would be something else entirely.)

Won't you lend your lungs to me?

"Townes Van Zandt is the best songwriter in the whole world and I'll stand on Bob Dylan's coffee table in my cowboy boots and say that." - Steve Earle.

I seriously hope I've mentioned Townes Van Zandt in this space previously. I also seriously hope that any of you who have even the tiniest bit of affinity for country or folk or blues music already know who Townes is and already own (at the very least) Live at the Old Quarter. If you know the song "Pancho and Lefty", you know Townes' writing -- get to know his music, too.

The reason I bring him up now is that I've just found out there is a documentary about him called Be Here to Love Me that just made its debut.

Margaret Brown's documentary, Be Here To Love Me (premiered at Angelika here in NYC December 2nd) is a long overdue look at his music and life, which was ceaslessly tempestuous. In his 20's he was administered shock treatment after being committed for falling from a four story window willingly ("to see what it felt like"), and the result erased much of his childhood memories. This inability to cement connections in his life led to a continual wandering, and the film takes a very intimate look at the people, friends, and family who all were affected by this.

That bit about "falling" out of a window is news to me, but matches my perception of the guy. The resulting damage also explains a lot about him. In many ways he was a typical "broken" genius.

---

The post title is the opening lyric to one of my all time favorite TVZ songs, "Lungs":

Well, won't you lend your lungs to me? Mine are collapsing Plant my feet and bitterly breathe Up the time that's passing. Breath I'll take and breath I'll give Pray the day ain't poison Stand among the ones that live In lonely indecision.

Romper Stomper

Fresh violence rocks Sydney

The trouble erupted on Sunday at North Cronulla, where drunken mobs among a crowd of about 5000 chanted racist slogans and attacked people of Middle Eastern appearance in retaliation for the bashing of two lifeguards, which locals blamed on Lebanese gangs.

So, the whites think some Lebanese blokes beat up a couple lifeguards, and proceed to go after anyone with brown skin, which prompts the Arab community to call for retaliation?

Whatever happened to peace, love, and understanding, folks?

That's right, we bad. Uh-huh.

Richard Pryor has moved on. Nothing beats the SNL skit with Pryor at a job interview with Chevy Chase and they do a little word association:

"Jungle bunny!" "Honky!" "Spade!" "Honky honky! "Nigger!" "Dead honky!"

Man, now I want to watch The Toy or Stir Crazy...

Oh, that's classy

Bush on the Constitution: 'It's just a goddamned piece of paper'

I’ve talked to three people present for the meeting that day and they all confirm that the President of the United States called the Constitution “a goddamned piece of paper.�

Context is given, so there's not much to add, really...

Grinder monkeys will kill ya (but we have guns)

Once again, I've been lax in my coverage of the Simianista conflicts. Today, though, comes news of a biological threat that should prompt leadership to raise the threat level meter by a banana or two. Performing monkeys in Asia carry viruses that could jump species to humans

Some urban performing monkeys in Indonesia are carrying several retroviruses that are capable of infecting people, according to a new study led by University of Washington researchers. The results indicate that contact with performing monkeys, which is common in many Asian countries, could represent a little-known path for viruses to jump the species barrier from monkeys to humans and eventually cause human disease.

How very charming. Not only are those little organ grinder capuchins picking your pocket, they're giving you autoimmune diseases!

---

Then there comes news of a "win" for our side in England: Runaway Chimp Shot Dead

The statement from the police is hilariously deadpan:

A police spokesman later confirmed: "A zoo marksman has shot the chimp dead. The public concern can now abate."

Gotta say, my money goes to any zoo that employs a full-time marksman. I wonder if the coppers' statement belies the fact that they were a bit miffed that somebody else got to off the chimp first...?

Paging Oracle Results

At my workplace, we often like to page through query results. That is, we'd like to show results in bunches of, say, 50. Some databases (none that we use: PostgreSQL and MySQL) do this using LIMIT and OFFSET: select * from table where blah = 2 order by thing1, thing2 limit 50 offset 100 That query would give you the 3rd "page" of 50 results. (Note: I believe MySQL has shorthand: LIMIT 50,100)

I think Omnidex (a funky flat file indexing engine we use) lets us do something like: select top 50 skip 100 * from table where blah = 2 order by thing1, thing2

SQL server has the TOP, but I have no idea how to do offset/skip...

Anyway, what I do know is my boss kept bugging me to figure out how to do it in Oracle now that we are playing with a new database on that platform.

So, thanks to the internets, I present you with the wonderfully wacky world of paging in Oracle:

Select * from ( select t1.*, ROWNUM rn from ( select * from table where blah = 2 order by thing1, thing2 ) t1 ) where rn between 101 and 150

Key bits:

• You have to alias the inner-most select if you want to select * (That's the "t1" jazz.)
• ROWNUM is a calculated field. Each select has it's own rownum column under the covers. This the real reason there are so many nested "views" to do this. The first select has rownum values that are calculated BEFORE the "order by". The second select has rownum values that are calculated AFTER the "order by" in the inner-most select -- this is the rownum set we actually want to filter, so we include it in the select (with an alias). The outer-most select is needed to actually apply that filter.

Caveat: My friendly neighborhood Oracle DBA tells me, "Rownum is virtual, you aren't guaranteed that 101 through 150 are the same every time."

Alternative: Said friendly neighborhood Oracle DBA came back with another method that I have yet to play with seems to work nicely:

Lets go this route, subtle difference, but there is a reason.

Select * from ( Select a.*, rownum rnum From ( select * from table where blah = 2 order by thing1, thing2 ) a where rownum <= 150 ) where rnum >= 101

It has to do with the way Oracle processes the COUNT(STOPKEY). Also I had to remember that in 8.1 that stuff wouldn't work. With 9i and above we should be good to go.

Nalgene, You're the Devil

The good fellows at the yoga college dropped some new and not-so-new knowledge on me last night about Nalgene water bottles: First the bit I'd heard before: Nalgene Water Bottles May Be Hazardous to Your Health

Recent studies have shown that polycarbonate plastics, including the kind used in popular Nalgene water bottles, may leach one of their constituent chemicals into water. The chemical in question, bisphenol-A, has been shown to cause chromosomal disorders and endocrine disruption and to have adverse effects on prostate development and tumors, breast tissue development, and sperm count -- in rodents.

Of course, the truth of the matter is that you're not that likely to actually be harmed by your Nalgene bottle.

But what about those rodents? Aparently, the Nalge Company started out making laboratory equipment. It also seems that some of that laboratory equipment is geared towards torturing fluffy little bunnies. This discovery led to the earnest kids at the University of Colorado to organize a boycott. Nalge Nunc International's reply boils down to "Yeah, so?":

There is nothing short of controlled animal research that can prove the safety and efficacy of a drug or surgical procedure. Without animal research, there would be no polio vaccine, no heart by-pass surgery, no chemotherapy and no insulin. Without animal research, we will never be able to cure AIDS, multiple sclerosis or Alzheimer's.

And actually, I agree -- Science isn't always pretty. As long as the human race isn't willing to just sit back and take what comes at us, we're going to do a lot of ugly things to advance the race.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to buy another Nalgene bottle, either. I suppose I might just try a SIGG. At least they are recyclable and... stuff.

Hothouse Tomatoes

(Pronounce that like you're from the Bronx or something: tuh-MAY-duhs) Just a quick shout out to Kevin, Chief Body Bender at the old hotbox, who mentioned after class tonight that he had stopped by the blog. He seemed to think we had set our expectations a bit low previously -- Personally, I think I was just setting myself up for success. ;)

So, how am I doing? Well, I've got good, questionable, and amusing data points for you:

• Good: My flexibility has improved markedly.
• Questionable: My back still feels a bit shredded. I've come to realize that up until now, I never bent my back in the "back-bend" direction. Perhaps when I was climbing, but not to the extremes I try in yoga. I think I may have done too much too soon, and have slowed my roll a bit in that respect.
• Amusing: You might recall how I raved like little woman about my glowing post-yoga complexion... Well, a part of that is a bright, shining - nigh unto strobing - red nose. Like a not-so-wee cherry tomato. It's hilarious (to me).

Tonight it was extra fun: It's 6 degrees outside so when we left, great plumes of steam rose from our bodies [insert profound steaming body simile or metaphor here]. I love that.

Seen on the Road

Black Hearse in the snow
Originally uploaded by Jake Sutton.

That's a big, black body wagon with flames, folks.

Saw it on my way back to the office after lunch.

Mann in the Ring

It's interesting to me that Aimee Mann (on whom I have had a warm and fuzzy crush since the 'Til Tuesday days) is obsessed with boxing. She really doesn't seem like the type, which makes it all the more crush inducing, frankly. Of course, she managed to incorporate her obsession into her latest disc, The Forgotten Arm (a boxing term, in fact).

Dancin' in the Slaughterhouse

People who don't live in Colorado have a lot of misconceptions about Colorado weather. The fact of the matter is that we have close to 300 days a year with sunshine, the temperature is wildly variable - sometimes we have 70's in January!, and it actually doesn't snow that much in the Denver Metro area. On the whole, it's extremely nice here. But then there are the windy days.

High wind days in the Colorado Front Range are like an apocalypse.

At the Jefferson County airport, wind speeds up to 90 mph were measured. High winds are expected to continue throughout the day in areas close to the foothills, west of I-25.

For reference, my office building is right next to the JeffCo Airport...

The suburbs become surreal realms of wandering trash bags, garbage can lids, and (if it's really blowing) garbage cans. Waves of debris (from snow and dust to leaves and tumble weeds to groups of somersaulting children) roll down the streets.

As you move into less populated areas the little "waves" from residential streets grow into ominously huge sheets of dirt, sand, small gravel, tumble weeds the size of Christmas trees (Tumble weeds are everywhere in Colorado, it's true.), and the occasional Kansas farm house. God forbid you should have to drive by a major construction site.

Even low-profile vehicles shimmy and shake as if about to be lifted into the sky. My way into work was closed this morning -- I have to assume somebody got rolled over by a gust. And now that I'm here, I'm realizing just how porous my office building is -- the wildly surging water in the toilets are especially disconcerting. And it cuts right through your body, as well (What's the wind chill when it's 27 degrees with 90mph gusts?). Your skin turns to dust, and the wind literally takes your breath away.

Like most winter weather, though, I hate dealing with it directly, but I'm glad it happens. It's kinda cool.

[The post title is for you Tom Waits fans out there.]

RIP: Chris Whitley

Chris Whitley is an odd character in the musical narrative of my life. His blues/rock album Living with the Law came out in the middle of 1991 when I was still feeling my way around my new Northeastern surrounds and wide open for something new and significant in my life. The track "Big Sky Country" got some level of video play on MTV, as I recall. Then one day he was doing an in-store appearance at the Newbury Street Tower Records and I just happened to be in there during one of my between-class lulls. It was just him and his National with a mic'ed and sanded board on the floor so he could do rhythm with his left foot.

And he blew me away. The song "Phone Call from Leavenworth" in particular drove me to buy the CD right then and there (in-store appearances work -- if you're good).

After that, I kind of followed his arc through the music biz. He never went mainstream again, though he was very popular in places like Amsterdam and Germany. I would pick up his CDs whenever they popped onto the radar (Dirt Floor is excellent, Rocket House has some great moments, and Perfect Day is worth it for the cover of that Lou Reed song alone - never mind the fantastic input from Billy Martin and Chris Wood of Medeski, Martin and Wood).

Each album cover that featured a photo of Chris caused me great concern, as he seemed to be wasting away with each release. I assumed he was on the junk (and her certainly did have his run-ins with heroin at various points in his life). Now, though, I find out through a former coworker and fellow music aficionado that Chris passed at the age of 45 from lung cancer.

A bit of sad news, did you hear Chris Whitley died? You were the first person I thought of when I heard the news since you are one of the few people I know who knows who he was. I've been checking your blog for a few days to see if you'd mention it, and you haven't, so I'm not sure if you heard.

What a loss. I'm really bummed about this. Chris' brother Dan says it best, though:

Whitley is survived by his daughter Trixie, his brother Dan and his girlfriend Susanne, whom he was planning to marry. "I hope you all will mourn my brother's death but more important celebrate his life as Chris was all about life and living," Dan wrote on Chris' official Web site. "I started the celebration by cranking up [the 1998 album] 'Dirt Floor' in his honor ... crying still."

For my part, I went to Amazon to flesh out my Whitley collection with his latest disc, Soft Dangerous Shores, plus a couple others that had slipped past my notice previously.

So long, Chris.

"Like the feather we blow away, in the thoughtlessness of words others say."

See also: Done Waiting and Razing the Bar

Here's a bottle and an honest friend!

Happy St. Andrew's Day

There's nane that's blest of human kind, But the cheerful and the gay, man, Fal, la, la, &c.

Here's a bottle and an honest friend! What wad ye wish for mair, man? Wha kens, before his life may end, What his share may be o' care, man?

Then catch the moments as they fly, And use them as ye ought, man: Believe me, happiness is shy, And comes not aye when sought, man.

Thanks, Bobby.

This combination of drink and poetry riminds me of my college days. Boston University has a private pub (in the basement of the Castle, no less), and at said pub they have what they call a "beer quest". You would get a card on which the bartender would make a mark for each of the many different beers they had available as you consumed them. Once you, the drunkard, completed the quest, he would be inducted into an exclusive group known as "the Knights of Gunnungagap". You would be dubbed with a silly title ("Sir Tainly a Slacker" at your service) and given a glass mug which they kept for you behind the bar.

The highlight of my own poetic attempts was when I composed a toast for a friend of mine, which I read at his "knighthood" ceremony. That toast became the official induction recital for at least one of the bartenders at the BU Pub and lived on for an indeterminant amount of time after my graduation. I wonder if it still is...

The knighter reads from a plaque on the wall about the Quest to the new knight, who kneels down upon one knee.

I doubt that's the toast, but I don't recall a reading from a plaque in my day.

Congrats! It's a Vedvik!

My CL350 wrenching buddy (and coworker) Erik Vedvik and his wife Taara welcomed their brand new baby boy into the world on November 26th at 10:23pm.

Tale of the Tape:

• Weight: 8 pounds, 2 ounces
• Length: 21 inches
• Name: Ian Andrew TBD (This isn't really a surprise to us.)

Mother and child (and Papa) are doing well according to reports. Congratulations to the three of them!

The Resurgence of Chuck

Chuck Norris. I'm sure many of you figured he had faded into a halcyon semi-retirement of Total Gym hucksterism, anti-drug campaigning, and... um... praying after the demise of his Walker, Texas Ranger series. I'm doubly sure you all had figured Chuck had strayed far, far away from his Lone Wolf McQuade martial arts badassedness of yore.

Well, I'm here to set you straight, boys and girls.

Chuck Norris' return to glory was first hinted at when he became the subject of one of the most entertaining internet memes of the past ten minutes:

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

That was just the beginning, though. Now it has come to light that Chuck Norris is the driving force behind an all new form of ass kicking for entertainment known as the World Combat League:

There is currently no full-contact martial arts team sport in the United States. The WCL will be the only venue to offer the public full-contact martial arts fighting. There is literally no competition for the services and products the WCL will offer to the public. There is a huge demand for martial arts in the United states and the WCL will be the first sports league to offer the excitement and unpredictability of full-contact martial arts fighting.

Sure, Chuck is only a "suit" at the top of the WCL ladder. And yeah, it looks like the fighting is just glorified kick boxing -- hands and feet only (stick to the UFC if you enjoy elbows, Muy Thai knees, and grappling). But they have women on the teams (WCL is a "team sport"... kind of like Davis Cup tennis...?), and the whole contest is supposedly set up to encourage action. In fact, there are penalties for being too passive or stalling.

Might be worth checking out.

One is only left to wonder if all of this is happening because of the fact that Chuck Norris is Dubya's favoritest actor in, like, ever!

Score!

So we're almost one third of the way into the first season of the "new" NHL and we have players with as many as 21 goals, 31 assists (Go Foppa! We miss you.), and 39 points. That could work out to season numbers in the neighborhood of 70 goals, 100 assists, and 130 points. Those aren't quite Gretzky in the '80s numbers ("He ended that 1981-1982 season with records of 92 goals, 120 assists, and 212 points in 80 games."), but they are quite a jump from the past few seasons' totals.

Of course, the goalies must be hating life. ;)

God Bless the Socialized North

Good news for inmates who aren't already tattooed

"The program has advantages in that we can take a practice that already occurs, and make it safer," said Holly Knowles, a spokeswoman for Correctional Services Canada. "We're trying to reduce the amount of make-shift needles."

Isn't that nice? Now the boys in the joint can get their prison tattoos without fear of infection. Yay!

I wonder if the authorities will try to censor content at all.

Oh, and since when are Canadian dollars almost neck and neck with US greenbacks?!

Prisoners are allowed a one-hour controlled session with an inmate tattoo artist for C$5 (US$4.25).

Wasn't it almost two-to-one a couple years ago? Looks like the Loonie has been on the rise as of late, while the green stuff has generally been sliding. So much for that "act like a millionaire gansta" vacation to Canada, eh?