It's official: I'm a jackass

So, I'd heard that Letterman would be doing his tribute to Johnny Carson last night.But when I turned it on, the monologue seemed old, so I figured the show must be a rerun and turned it off.

Well, it turns out those old jokes were what amounted to Carson's last monologue.

David Letterman paid tribute to Carson, who died January 23, by delivering a "Late Show" monologue Monday composed entirely of jokes the retired "Tonight" show host had quietly sent him in his final months.

Only after the monologue was through and Letterman was back behind his desk did he tell the audience who had written the jokes.

Dammit.

Watch your digits!

Woman sues after monkey bites off fingers

According to the complaint, Baker was at the safari on Oct. 9, 2004. She was feeding animals. She was preparing to feed a chimpanzee when the animal reached through the bars of its cage and grabbed Baker’s clothing and pulled her into the cage.

The suit alleges that the chimpanzee grabbed Baker’s left arm and hand, then bit off much of her hand, including two fingers.

Don't feed the animals, yo.

Those Eastern Bloc folks always have a practical solution

Man peed way out of avalanche

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

I love how his first thought after being trapped under a ton of snow was to crack a beer.

From one of my idols to another

The Man in Front of the Curtain — Steve Martin's letter to Johnny Carson

Your gift - though I'm sure you wouldn't have called it a gift - was, as I see it, a blend of modesty and confidence. You wanted to do the job and do it well. You allowed the spirit of your idols, Stan Laurel and Jonathan Winters among them, to creep into you, and you found a way to twist their inspiration and make it new. In you I saw simplicity, joy, politeness, sympathy. Your death reminds me of the loss of America's innocence, the distance we have come from your sly, boyish leers to our flagrant, overstated embarrassments for parents and children.

Very nice.

The latest fitness trend to sweep the nation

One very odd word: Kettlebells

The kettlebell is a cast iron weight, which resembles a basketball with a handle. An ancient Russian exercise device, the kettlebell has long been a favorite in that country for those seeking a special edge in strength and endurance.

Leave it to the Russians... And I don't know if it's really sweeping the nation, but there have been fluff pieces in the news about them that seem to claim as much.

Strange thing is, it kind of sounds appealing to me. If they weren't so pricey I might get a starter kit.

Of course, the fact that one of my favorite boxers, Kostya Tszyu, trains with them is probably influencing my judgement. I'm such a fanboy sometimes.

What if chimps had jury duty?

Chimps' Sense of Justice Found Similar to Humans'

In the fall of 2003, Sarah Brosnan and Frans de Waal of the Yerkes National Primate Research Center in Atlanta determined that capuchin monkeys don't like being subjected to treatment they deem unjust. In the new work, the researchers tested the reactions of pairs of chimpanzees to exchanges of food that varied in quality. The animals received either a grape, which they coveted, or a less appealing cucumber and they could see what their partner obtained. In pairs of chimps that had lived together since birth, the individual given the cucumber was less likely to react negatively to the situation than was the short-changed member of a pair that did not know each other as well. Indeed, chimps in the short-term social groups refused to work after their partner received a better reward for the same job.

So, there ya go. If the Simianistas start kidnapping people and holding puppet trials on the internet, just remember you were warned here first.

What the heck goes on in Wisconsin prisons?

This one is mostly for H: Prisoner sues for right to sex change

The department has been providing Konitzer, 40, with hormone therapy to stimulate female development since 1999 but will not allow genital surgery. Konitzer claims a prison doctor said the surgery would follow the hormone treatments, and the refusal to follow through violates the Eighth Amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment. However, department policy prohibits the surgery. Konitzer, who looks female because of the hormones, also objects to being housed in male prisons, where male guards do the strip searches and male inmates share communal showers. Konitzer is not allowed to wear a bra or women's clothing.

Personally, I'm a bit surprised they are providing the hormone treatment. It's a recent change in policy, though, so there you go.

I guess, ultimately, if it's something an HMO would cover (which I'm not sure would be the case), and Konitzer passes all the requirements he(she) would be required to pass if he(she) wasn't in prison, the state should probably cover it.

The best part fo the article, for me, is how Konitzer ended up in the big house:

"I stabbed the guy with a homemade ice pick," Konitzer said. "I'm pretty ashamed of that."

What's going on?

Well, as you can see, I have republished some recipes.If I'm really honest with myself, those are probably the only posts I worry about losing at this point.

I still have all my old Blogger archives, so I could re-import them, but I just don't see the point.

Maybe if those lousy Canadians ever resurface, I'll be able to grab my WordPress database and get everything back to normal.

If not, it's only forward from here on out, kids.

Mango Pineapple Salsa

I love making salsas. This tropical fruit variety is great with chips and even better on top of a nice grilled tuna steak or something along those lines.

Ingredients:

  • 6 fresh (soft to the touch) mangoes, "cheeked" & diced
  • Mango juice (squeezed from mango pits)
  • 1 fresh (smell the base) pineapple (or one large can pineapple rings), diced
  • 1 fresh papaya, diced (Optional, but adds some nice funkiness)
  • 1 medium/large red onion. diced
  • 2-4 cloves garlic, minced/crushed
  • Peppers, minced (However many and whatever types you like. Try a couple jalepeños and a couple serranos to start.)
  • 2 tsp salt
  • Handful fresh cilantro, chopped fine

Directions:

  1. Combine in glass bowl (glass is best considering the acid present).
  2. Let sit to allow flavors to combine (Not required, but helps).

The only trick here is preparing the mangoes. Mangoes have a bizarre sort of fibrous pit. The best way around the pit is to lop off the bottom of the fruit. If the orientation of pit is not visible, you should be able to feel it with a finger pressed into the meat. once you know the orientation of the slim-in-one-direction, wide-in-the-other pit, stand the fruit up and carefully follow the wide, flat side of the pit with a knife. I call this "cheeking" the mango. Not sure if I made that up or heard Martha Stewart call it that or what. Once you have the cheeks, you can carefully score the meat with the tip of a knife in a grid pattern — careful not to go through the skin. Push the skin inside out and just scrape off the nifty little mango cubes with a spoon or the tip of your thumb.

You may also want to try it with a few dashes of vinegar (red wine, rice wine) added for extra zing.

Fruit Ceviche

This will make A LOT… enough for at least 6 normal people… 4 if you have to feed a Miracle Ed…
Measurements are iffy at best… Like I said, I cook by feel…

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 lb. of super fresh fish, cubed
    It needs to have some body to it, too. For instance, I used 1 lb. of scrod and 0.5 lb of swordfish and it turned out great.
    Other options include sea bass, scallops, tuna, conch… and so on.
  • 3 largish limes, juice of
  • 1 large lemon, juice of
  • Maybe ½ cup orange juice or better yet: 1 medium orange, juice of
  • 2 large cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 medium habañero pepper, minced
    Please! Remember the habañero is one of the hottest peppers known to mankind. WASH YOUR HANDS WELL after you handle the pepper. Alcohol helps get the capsaicin off your hands, too.
  • 1 Santa Fe Grande pepper, diced
    Any pepper with some sweetness and a bit of heat is good. I’ve rarely seen these labeled at the grocery. They usually look like red jalepeños.
  • 1 onion, diced
    The type of onion is a personal preference. I used a plain yellow onion, but a red onion or a sweet Vidalia would have been great.
  • 1 mango, cubed
  • 1 avocado, cubed (similarly)
  • 3 plum tomatoes, diced
  • 1 can of pineapple slices, chunked or better yet: ½ of a fresh pineapple, chunked
  • Salt to taste
  • Dried pepper flakes to taste

Directions:

  1. Place fish cubes in a large glass bowl (glass is definitely preferred, considering we’re working with fish and acid), lightly salting and sprinkling with pepper flakes.
  2. Add garlic and habañero, fold to distribute evenly.
  3. Cover the fish with citrus juices. Stir the fish gently to make sure there aren’t any dry spots / air bubbles.
  4. Refrigerate and let stand for at least 4 hours.
    (I left mine for almost 20 hours as a matter of convenience.)
  5. Strain fish in a colander. Let stand while preparing fruit, etc. to drain excess liquid.
  6. Mix all other ingredients in a large bowl. Add the fish. Stir/fold gently.
    (The avocado will dissolve to varying degrees, depending on how ripe it is… Be gentle to keep this to a minimum.)
  7. Put it back in the fridge until you’re ready to serve.
    (Just long enough to make sure it’s nice an cool is good)
  8. Serve with tortilla chips (I baked my own.) and sangria.

OK, OK… I know the idea of fish being “cooked� by citrus juice may seem strange, but it really works. You’ll be amazed.

Please try it and let me know how it turned out.

The Best Damned Enchilada Sauce Ever

I just dredged this up from the Google cache. I don't want it to be gone forever, so here it is again:

Ingredients:

  • 10-12 Dried chiles (Anaheims are a safe start. I like to mix Anaheims and New Mexicos.)
  • 3 cups water
  • ¼ cup tomato sauce or paste
  • 1 clove garlic, minced/crushed
  • ¼ cup vegetable oil
  • 1½ tsp salt
  • 1 tsp Mexican oregano (It’s so worth finding the Mexican variety!)
  • ¼ tsp cumin

Directions:

  1. Remove stems and seeds from chiles.
  2. Simmer chiles in water ½ hour.
  3. Place in blender with enough water to blend, whirl until smooth.
  4. Add remaining water, tomato sauce and oil. Whirl until smooth then strain. (This is a pain, but absolutely essential. Use a fairly coarse strainer and a wooden spoon to mash the sauce through.)
  5. Add remaining ingredients and simmer approximately 10 minutes.

I’ll leave the actual enchiladas to you.

Thanks to my Ma who passed this on to me. Also to the Mexican maid who taught the recipe to my grandmother back in Texas in the ’50s.

B Tom still alive?!

This Red Sox update caught my eye for completely non-baseball-related reasons:

With nearly all of his free agent comings and goings completed by Christmas, Epstein actually found time to take a few days off around New Year's, play some guitar with rockers Buffalo Tom and devote his Sundays to following his beloved New England Patriots.

What?! Buffalo Tom is still kicking around?! Cool!

B Tom was one of my favorite Boston bands during my college years. One of my best concert experiences was seeing them at the Paradise — My buddy and I ended up sitting on the stage, Indian-style, for the whole show. Bill Janovitz could have spit on us, but luckily he's too nice a guy to do that. ;)

Juror Number Six

I was called into jury duty on Tuesday.We rendered our verdict today at five o'clock.

It wasn't a lot of fun, but it was certainly educational.

Now that the case is over, I can actually talk about it...

Basically, it was a rape case. And basically, we found the guy not guilty. None of this was easy. Unfortunately, the alleged victim either could not or would not remember anything about the alleged assault, and since the defense was consent (That is: "Yes we had sex, but it wasn't rape." This makes forensic evidence pretty useless, really.), it boiled down to he said / she said and that really wasn't enough for us to believe beyond the fabled "reasonable doubt" that the defendant was guilty.

When we went into deliberate, the first thing I asked was "Is anyone dying to be foreperson?" which got answered with "You go ahead." Ack! OK... That's me then: Foreman of the Jury.

Then we went around the table to state our feelings: One said guilty, three were undecided, and eight (including myself) felt not guilty was the right verdict. As we talked it over, it became apparent that we all felt something uncool happened. However most of us weren't so sure about it based on the evidence that we were willing to say a man was guilty of a serious crime. We all felt badly for the woman, but when close to ninety per cent of her testimony consisted of the phrase "Honestly, I don't remember at this time." we couldn't send a guy down the river. Something seemed to be going on with her. The District Attorney even asked her at one point "Are you trying to remember?" It was as if she had given up the fight. Whether that was because she just wanted it over with and behind her, as she stated, or if it was because she had lied about the whole thing, as the defense contended, we just didn't know. That's the very definition of reasonable doubt, I think.

Just before five the one juror who had been strongly in favor of a guilty verdict was just starting to realize that he, too, had a doubt in his mind, the bailiff / court secretary / ??? came in and said the judge was going to call recess for the day. Of course, we replied with a hearty "No! Wait! Just a couple more minutes!" I checked again with the juror who was changing his mind to be sure he wasn't feeling coerced in any way and that he would be able to sleep at night with this decision. He said simply that he did indeed have a reasonable doubt and that it would be worse to convict an innocent man than to send someone who, to our knowledge, might be a one-time offender free.

So we re-polled, and I got everyone to agree that we were unanimous, and I signed my name under the NOT GUILTY verdict.

This was all very difficult and distressing.

Luckily I hung out in the parking lot (telling my boss that I'd actually be back to work tomorrow) long enough that I saw the judge come out. I went over to him and thanked him for the experience, etc. Then I made a comment about how tough an ordeal it was and he described the whole situation in a single word: Pathetic. It really was. Pathetic and sad for everyone involved. Then I mentioned how there was no way we could have come back with any other verdict and he agreed totally. He said that if it had been a trial before the court (without a jury) he would have had to determine a not guilty verdict as well. This is why I say it was lucky I ran into him. That validation really helped.

I wish I could share that with the other jurors.

So, there you go.

Cool parts and observations:

  • Cops (at least patrol officers, and in particular the 2-years-in-the-service pup who testified) seem to hate defense attorneys. I think they feel like they are trying to make them look like idiots.
  • Contrary to what is depicted on TV (be it Vegas, Miami, or NY), CSIs wear uniforms. They look a lot like SWAT fatigues.
  • If you are an alternate juror, you won't know until the moment they send the jury in to deliberations. What a tease!
  • The forensic scientist from the CBI was really cool and very educational. She was also the only witness who brought anything (other than an oxygen tank) with her to the stand (her files, that is – no fun slides or anything like that).

Jury duty can be a hassle. It can drain you emotionally, like this did for all of us, I think. But it's certainly worth doing. I'm glad to have done it.

Besides, it could have been worse.